busby1013

Back to Jon:

Hmmm I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.

*insert news clips regarding Mark Souder's affair and resignation*

Abstinence Makes the Staff Grow Fonder

That's right, GOP congressional representative Mark Souder, a leading voice for "family values" has stepped down in light of new reports that he and his part-time office aide Tracy Jackson had an affair. Both Souder and Jackson are married and worked diligently on making the congressman "one of the only voices speaking in defense of abstinence in education." A youtube video of Tracy "interviewing" Souder about an abstinence-only hearing was taken down from his youtube channel, but not fast enough!

*insert video clips of the interview, with cheesy porn music slowly getting louder*

*in a low, sexy voice* Oh yeah, baby. I love when you shake your head incredulously at my detractors. I love when you ask me painfully sycophantic questions about teaching kids not to give in to their hormonal desires. All this talk about boning turning you on too?

Before coming up with the decision to resign over this scandal, they considered changing their bumper stickers from "Abstinence Only" to "Abstinence Only Works When Your Office Aide Isn't Smoking Hot."

Here we go again, folks. Two weeks is long enough to invoke the TDS/TCR-style joke tradition I started a while back. I shall do eight total (one for each day the shows are supposed to be on air), and they will be posted as they come to me.

Joke #1 goes to Jon:

Due to its controversial immigration law, Arizona has had its own shit hit them after they threw it into a fan. Civil rights groups, businesses, even the entire city of Los Angeles is boycotting the use of Arizona's convention and meeting facilities to protest the law. Phoenix alone has lost an estimated $6-10 million due to 23 recently cancelled meetings and expects to lose up to $90 million in lodgings revenue over the next five years.

The city has even managed to lose the Republican National Convention to... *drumroll*... Tampa, Florida. A city where, unlike Phoenix, 17% of the population speaks Spanish, and a whopping 0% of them are getting arrested for doing so in public. It's also a place where if you pronounce "tortilla" without an "L" sound, you won't have half the state's SWAT team trounce you.

It's been whispered that even though Phoenix was on the short list for the convention location, respected Hispanic officials had urged the RNC not to meet there in order to show solidarity with the Hispanic constituency.

Lemme just throw out a little advice to the RNC here: if you want to show "solidarity" with Hispanics in your nation, then tell the guy on your team calling Miami a "third-world country" *cough* Tancredo *cough* to shut the fuck up. Just a suggestion.

I'm feeling animosity today. So I will express it the way Jon would: by ripping into it as cleverly as possible. No censorship!


This year, to commemorate the worst tragedy the United States has seen in decades, American History Professor Glenn Beck has rallied his huddled masses and suggested that we reflect on the feelings we all had after 9/11:

listen to Beck's feelings

*Jon leans forward on the desk, hands clasped, a bemused look in his eyes* Hmmm, I don't seem to recall that particular feeling. Why is that, you think? Hmmm... Perhaps it's because I'm not a total douchebag.

But even total douchebags need a way to exorcise those angry demons of fear and helplessness we all get when our country is attacked. This year, Beck's minions came out in mobs and rallies and descended upon our nation's capitol, proving that once you've teabagged, you can never get enough.

CNN reporting... or at least attempts reporting

Come on, teabaggers! The Hitler mustached-Obama portraits and the Pelosi as Hitler posters... those are so last month! Can we see something maybe in a perfunctory Russia comparison?

Poster 1

Oh yeah, that's better. How about a pretense that we actually pay attention to news that comes outside of SportsCenter?

Poster 2

Oh yeah baby, because an illegal Honduran coup is *so* much cooler than an American election. Voting is soooo last year.

Jon's turn at bat!


Well, did you hear it? That steadily escalating drumbeat of the youthful proletariat being rallied by a charismatic leader into taking up their hammers and sickles to overthrow capitalism? No? You didn't hear anything around noon today? Perhaps coming from the direction of your local public school where they were airing President Obama's back-to-school speech? Well, I dunno about you, but we heard some high-pitched keening coming from downtown... wait... *touches fake earpiece* I'm getting some new information... Oh I'm being told that was just Glenn Beck.

That's right, today the President decided to give a live speech aimed at all of America's students, in which he praised hard work, perseverance, and staying in school.

*in a very serious voice* In the days leading up to the speech, many people have only been concerned… with the children.

*insert clips of parents and pundits claiming that Mao and Hitler and Stalin used to rally the youth with speeches*

*Jon covers his ears* Shhh! Don’t let them hear! Please, Mr. President! Their precious, virgin ears cannot take your… encouragement.

*insert clips of Obama promoting setting goals and studying hard, etc*


In the end, it was an event that gave scientists proof that there's nothing extreme conservative policy alchemists can't syllogize into socialism.

*insert clip of parents saying that they are the ones who are responsible for telling their children about political issues*


*Jon raises his fist* Yeah! How dare the legally elected president politely suggest my kids to do their homework and do their best in class! How dare he tell me I'm supposed to love and support my kids so they get good grades and go to college so they can be helpful to American society! How dare he indoctrinate my children with the American values of education, invention, and innovation! That's my job, sir! And since you took it away because I wouldn't do it myself, I believe I'm entitled to my unemployment checks!

Jon's turn today!


Recently, Professor Glenn Beck, D.F.A. lectured his esteemed viewers on the true value of art history in Rockefeller Center. No, actually, that part is true. I know we bullsh*t around here a lot, but here, see for yourself.

*cut to this video(you don't have to force yourself to watch it all, I know the TDS editors would have picked out the most perfect moments!)*

Glenn, buddy, I appreciate your newfound joy in quote-unquote "researching" the symbolism and imagery of art "hidden in plain sight" but... maybe you wanna try and at least rant and rail against something that actually still exists, ya know, just so you don't look crazy.

For example, that last piece of art you showcased in order to "prove" Rockefeller was communist, the Diego Rivera mural "Man at the Crossroads"... Nelson Rockefeller kinda... destroyed it in 1934. He paid Rivera to paint it in his lobby, he saw the faces of Lenin and Marx(just like you did) and decided it wasn't what he had in mind and he had it destroyed. He paid for it, and then destroyed it. Not exactly the best idea for a long-term investment, but still. He probably got tips from Mad J. Cramer's Stock Jock radio show.

*laughs* But what am I saying? If you couldn't rant about things that didn't exist, why then... you wouldn't have a job. And then what would I have to simultaneously yell and laugh at every night?

*cut to clips of town hall meetings, various congresspeople yelling, stupid clips from reality shows, etc.*

Oh yeah. I guess what I'm saying is... who needs you?

This is Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.!

First up: Digestive Health!

The latest diet craze touting the benefits of probiotics has led many yogurt companies to market products that are specifically formulated to regulate the digestive processes of the notoriously fickle American gut. But what may be fixed by the yogurt itself is immediately cancelled out by the stomach-churning nausea I get from hearing about Jamie Lee Curtis' irregularity.

Recently, Dannon has been facing a lot of flack for claiming to be the cure-all for colon-related ailments that may actually be the symptoms of serious diseases like IBS or constipation, so the folks at Prescott Pharmaceuticals have developed their own cure-all for colon-related ailments: Vaxactiv!

Vaxactiv contains every pro-biotic known to man, in a combination guaranteed to cleanse your system, one way or another. Or even both.

Side effects may include excessive ear wax sculpturing, intractable ant colonies, restless kidney syndrome, and obligatory lupus diagnoses.*


*Like my random House reference? Yeah? Nerd.

Another TDS entry for today!


In an effort to alleviate California’s crippling debt, the Governator has announced that the state will be cleaning out its storage sheds and offering up deals on eBay and Craigslist. Everything from government-issue coat racks to jewelry to seized automobiles will be put up for sale. Governor Schwarzenegger is even going so far as to autograph the visors of the cars he wants to sell, adding an additional value of up to $400.

Reached for comment, the Governor said he got the idea from one of his followers on Twitter, because Twitter is preferable to all those crazy constituents who have the initiative and resumés and free time to write physical letters and visit the governor’s office everyday with thoughtful suggestions. Because a printed and bound formal prospectus on a new balanced budget proposal can’t compete with the pithy poeticism of a hastily thumb-typed message like “dude, autograph your shit!”

Also being sold on Craigslist will be autographed Terminator DVDs, rides in bulletproof government vehicles, and package deals on Schwarzenegger appearances at Bar Mitzvahs. And of course, the odd futon seized in a police raid. * cut to photo of futon with weed pouring out of a slit in the cushion *

Here's my first installment of my 12-part series meant to help stave off the Jon/Stephen sickness we all get when the shows go off the air.

This is The Threatdown!

*Swirling wailing alarm*

Threat Number 5: Jon Stewart!

*pause for various audience reactions*

Yes, I know it’s not kosher to badmouth your opening act, but something has got to be done about this menace to employment in this country.

Last week, Mr. Stewart had Betsy McCaughey as a guest on The Daily Show, and she was led to believe she would sit down to a friendly six-minute interview on the Obamacare bill.

No! First Jon forced her to schlep half the bill to his desk all by her lonesome. This is just cruel. I haven’t seen a single other member of the news media treat their healthcare commentators like slave drivers, requiring them to actually bring their homework along with them to prove their points.

Next, Jon gave this poor, innocent lady an undeserved tongue lashing regarding her criticism of the bill. Again, I’ve seen no other news media rube conduct themselves in this way. Everyone else has been polite enough to sit back and allow their guests to air their opinions with no logical push back whatsoever. They call it playing Devil's Advocate for a reason, Jon. It's evil!

Finally, he extended the interview for well over the allotted six-minute mark, making Betsy work overtime without pay! But that's not all. It has now been reported that just 24 hours after the interview, Betsy resigned from her job as director of Cantel Medical Corp.

Outrage! First, Jon caused the cancellation of Crossfire, tossing Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson onto the streets to sell apples(which were bought and promptly tossed at their heads), then Jim Cramer is chewed out, causing viewers of his thoughtful, nuanced financial show to switch channels, and now even the fair Betsy is out of a job!

We’re in a recession, Stewart! You can’t go around getting people fired right and left like you used to. You’re single-handedly driving up the unemployment rate! Jobs are scarce, and the rest of the news media knows it. They don’t want to be responsible for outspoken officials getting canned by making them answer for their claims. Come on, Jon! Be a patriot! I thought you were all about saving energy, yet here you are hogging all our coal to hold peoples’ feet to the fire. Shame.



PS: My previous set of break jokes can be found here. ENJOY!

Threat Number One: Time Warner!

Turns out that Time Warner and Viacom are locked in a game of chicken to see who will flinch just before Viacom pulls 19 channels out of Time Warner's standard cable lineup at 12:01 am January 1st. The channels include Nickelodeon, MTV and the one you are watching right now: Comedy Central.

This is an outrage! By playing this sick game with my boss's company, Time Warner risks depriving my fans of my show everyday, which would--and you know this well enough, nation--cause a rip in the space-time continuum, hit reset on God's universe machine, and warp the minds of all who cannot have access to the profound wisdom of my Emmy and Peabody-award-winning show. And that is truly the greatest threat ever made on the citizens of America.

Threat Number 3: Sharks

An Australian man snorkeling at a beach south of Perth was searching for crabs when a great white attacked and gobbled him up about 30 feet from shore. As it turned out, the 51-year-old man was a major campaigner for the protection of these grizzlies of the sea, and this shark had no more polite a way to express his appreciation than by shredding him to bits. This just proves that coddling man-eating sharks is not what God or nature intended.

Ocean-dwelling mindless killing machines don't need our protection, but there will always be some kelp-smoking hippie, who upon meeting a Godless murderous creature, will try to hug it even after being swallowed whole. If Martin Brody decided to make out with the great white instead of blowing it up, then Amity would be a shark smorgasbord by now.